Being Still to Become More Self-Aware

What does it mean to truly be self-aware?

This is a question I have begun pondering more intensely- with so much free time on my hands, and the world in crisis, my pensive nature has really shone through. The thing is, I really thought I knew myself! I’ve had so many ups and downs in my quaint 23 years of life, and I’ve worked through so many emotions and feelings in therapy, I thought I had a concrete handle on who Odemi is. What she wants. What she needs.

Then COVID-19 happened. And my world stood still. Eerily still.

The kind of stillness that would throw any slightly type-A, perfectionist, creative into a hurricane of worry. I have had my twenties loosely planned out for the last decade of my life. It may sound crazy to some, but nothing I have accomplished is a surprise to me. I have visualized every single success that has occurred in my life. I am a firm believer in manifesting what you want in this life. You have to see it to desire it- and if you can see it, it’s already yours. In my quiet times with God, when I am praying and listening, these visions are what have wrapped me in the comfort of knowing that His promises for my life are real.

Even still, I could have never visualized this past year. Sure, I did the things I always said I wanted to do. I created more art. I started a blog. I began writing a book. I attained a Master’s degree from an Ivy League university. I worked at the World Bank.

My, my, my, on paper I looked phenomenal.

But, my insides were screaming. I could not see that I was caught in a storm of moving, always in motion, never pausing to catch my breath and ask myself if this was what I truly wanted.

So when this pandemic began two months before I was to complete my second degree, I brushed it off. After all, my plans and my work ethic could withstand this minor interruption. Then things did not return to normal, and I began to feel a familiar feeling- one I had not allowed myself to feel since I was a child. Fear. More specifically, a fear of the unknown.

My favorite coping mechanism in the face of adversity developed when I was around the age of 11. As my family navigated the onslaught of a global recession, and the financial burden it caused for my parents, I told myself fear was not an option. I hated feeling powerless over my life’s stability and I vowed that I would do everything in my power to secure a bright and luxurious future for myself and my family. And this meant running away from the storm that engulfed my home, because home reminded me of everything I had to lose. So I took the SAT at 12, I spent my summers taking college level courses at Davidson and Duke. By 15, I meticulously planned my acceptance into one of the eight Ivies, and drafted a plan for me to work at Goldman for 2 years before going to law school at Cambridge, my grandfather’s alma mater.

It all made sense, it had to. The pressure I put on myself couldn’t be for nothing. I dedicated my high school years to planning my great escape. This consisted of joining more clubs that I can remember, sleeping too little, and toiling over scholarship applications so that my dreams would not become just another added burden to my parents. At 17, I left home to cross through Brown’s Van Wickle Gates and never looked back. I filled my summers with internships in different cities. I studied in Amsterdam for half a year. And after graduating, I moved to New York City before returning to grad school in 2019.

If this timeline feels exhausting to you, you’re correct… It was.

This timeline does not include the trauma I experienced while running in search of something I could not quite put my finger on. I endured predatory sexual harassment at my job in New York City, which led me to quit and live off of freelance work and my savings in Manhattan for a few months. During this time I had to deal with racist roommates, and the feeling of isolation I had felt in the ivory towers of corporate America quickly engulfed me in the space I had to call home. Soon after, I haphazardly fell into an emotionally manipulative and extremely draining romantic relationship with someone who pounced on the exposed vulnerabilities I had tried so desperately to hide from the world- and I eventually realized, myself as well.

That was the problem. I was unaware of how beaten up and bruised my insides were from sprinting a mental race in the middle of all the life storms I told myself I had to ignore. My instinct with pain was to shrug it off. To laugh it away. Dance it away. But, to never let myself feel it in its entirety.

*Cue Cranes in the Sky because that has been the mood for too long.*

So, when COVID-19 forced me to return to my childhood home, indefinitely, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to run away from this pain. The pain of not knowing what tomorrow holds. The pain of feeling like your hard work takes you 3 steps forward, but it only takes one external factor to pull the string and send you stumbling 5 steps back. The pain of not being in control.

God had brought me to the eye of my own storm.

As I looked around, finally still enough to see the wind gnashing and trees cracking, I started to weep. And those tears turned into a raging sea, for I had not paused in the last 4 years to truly acknowledge the debris surrounding me. Instead, I had continued to build a house on an unstable foundation, all whilst pacifying the inner voice telling me to rest and wait.

Now, this pandemic has given me no choice but to do just that. And I am grateful for this time to reset and refocus on who I am and who God has called me to be. I have found that being still has opened me up to new realms of self-exploration and self-awareness, and I am a better woman because of it. I am discovering new facets of myself that I never took the time to nurture, and becoming reacquainted with those parts of myself that I began to hide out of shame and out of fear that their exposure would lead to my demise. Isn’t it funny how we hide those vulnerable corners of our beings, only to later realize that shining them in the light is the only way to illuminate a path forward?

So, my dear reader, be still. Be still and know that the universe is conspiring in your favor. It is in your moments of weakness that you will find your greatest strength is the ability to feel. The ability to feel love, to feel rage, to feel hope, and to let those feelings guide you forward to your destiny.

Here are a few practices that have helped me to monumentally increase my self-awareness. Comment below and let me know which of these you’ll begin incorporating in your own daily routine!

1. Keep a journal.

You don’t have to journal everyday, but doing so frequently will help you become more aware of your thoughts and also help you identify thought/emotional patterns that you may otherwise be unaware of.

2. Meditate.

I am a spiritual person, so my meditation sometimes looks like worship and prayer as well. Meditation can also just be lighting candles and letting your mind wander freely. Doing this allows you to really listen to your thoughts objectively, and being still helps increase inner peace.

3. Take personality tests.

This may seem a bit silly, but I’ve learned a lot about myself from personality quizzes that I’ve taken in different settings. There’s Myers Briggs and then there are fun ones on Buzzfeed. It’s up to you, but sometimes these have given me food for thought when it comes to what I like and what I do. Plus, they’re fun!

4. Ask people you trust and love to describe you.

I have a very small circle of people who give me pretty good feedback when I ask for it. They do so without judgement or malicious intent, and I like asking them for their own observations of me so I can continue improving in a holistic way. Of course, you know yourself best but there can be value in listening to the opinions of others when it comes from those you trust. This has helped me identify toxic things I may unknowingly do, or habits I have that others admire. It just helps to have a balance in how you view yourself and how you are perceived. Ideally, you want the two to compliment each other.

5. Block out the BS.

I may not know you, but I do know that social media can be a big deterrent of self-awareness because it sparks comparison and FOMO if not used in a productive and healthy way. Take a break if need be. Fill that time with a hobby you love. Create art even if you think you’re bad at it. Read random poetry. Learn something new with that time. just block out any and all BS that isn’t nourishing your spirit.

I hope this helps! Go forth and be great! ✨